Daily Silly Status

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Gravity is a real downer.

You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.

My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes

If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?

I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"

Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.

I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf

I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.

I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.

The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds

My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.

I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.