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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.