Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.