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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
It may look like Iām in deep thought, but 99% of the time Iām just thinking about what food Iām going to eat later.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.