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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Life is fun! You should get one.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.