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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.