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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.