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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?