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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!