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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!