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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."