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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
What if the weather talks about us?
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.