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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.