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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.