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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.