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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.