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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.