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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.