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It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Iām at the age where all my posts start with the phrase āIām at the age where.ā
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.