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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?