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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.