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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!