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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)