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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....