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Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?