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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks