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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"