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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.