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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.