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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.