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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I should come with a warning label.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.