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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
I never finish anyth...............
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.