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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Does the Food Network deliver?
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.