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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.