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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.