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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.