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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...