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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.