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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
The best things in life require no pants.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor