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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.