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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking