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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
At least a stalker is there for you.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."