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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right