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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.