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I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.