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Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Tieam... problem solved
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.