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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!