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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Mondays are middle finger approved
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.