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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...