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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Never squat with your spurs on
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
My anger management class pisses me off
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."