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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.