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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".