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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Iām not getting old. Iām becoming a classic.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.