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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.