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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.