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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
It’s a status….not your diary…
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat