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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?