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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.