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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.