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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.