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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Iām not shy, Iām just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
Reincarnation is my only hope.