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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Without coffee, Iām just a really tall 2 year old.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.