Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.