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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.